Introduction
In more recent memory, a disturbing link has been shown to exist between applied behavioral analysis (ABA) and conversion therapy. Iar Lovaas and George Rekers, hugely influential proponents of both programmatic approaches to the human condition, have proposed that anything "abnormal" must be made "normal". Such people needing to be "fixed" include those with autism, intellectual disabilities, and members of the LGBTQI community. Over time, this "mission" has been perpetuated by families, cultures, institutions, and societies to modify "behavioral challenges", "deviant" activities, and other unique ways of being in the world. Once "abnormal" people are rid of their flaws, social, familial, cultural, and governmental systems will function better. This, in turn, creates a more homogenous, structured, and obedient population that serves its overseers out of awareness.
Yet, the question remains of what “normal” is. This will be answered in three points. First, a theoretical definition and foundation of “normal” will be provided. Then I shall provide a case example and my own lived experience to demonstrate how shame is used to control “abnormal” people. Finally, I will explain how shifting from separateness and hate to oneness and love, is the panacea for shame.
Defining “Normal”
For centuries, societies, philosophers, governments, communities, schools, and other extensions of humanity have struggled to define “normal”. Take the origins of hysteria and trauma. As noted eloquently by Dr. Judith Hermann, the study of trauma, including hysteria, shellshock, and sexual and domestic violence, requires “an affiliation with a political movement”. For hysteria, such an affiliation, or rather an alliance between investigators and a societal/political system, started with Jean-Martin Charcot, a French neurologist in Paris. After transforming the Sappetriere, an enormous hospital and asylum for the mentally ill and societal outcasts (i.e. prostitutes, beggars, etc.), Charcot began studying hysterical women during his Tuesday Lectures. Such events were dramatic performances where hysterical women were used as live subjects to study their symptoms and satisfy the “morbid curiosity” of Parisian society.
Later, Charcot’s colleagues, including Sigmund Freud, Pierre Janet, and Josef Breuer, profoundly changed the study of hysteria. Rather than rejecting hysterical women, Freud and Breuer began to recognize and understand their adaptations to sexual trauma. For example, from 1880-1882, both men treated Anna O. (i.e. Bertha Pappenheim), who was deemed to be a “hysterical woman” by Victorian Viennese society. Through days-long sessions and hypnotism, Freud and Breuer began to understand Anna O’s hallucinations, anxiety, depression, nightmares, suicide attempts, and other adaptations as the result of something far deeper.
Such insight led Freud, Breuer, and Janet to conclude that hysterical women were reacting to sexual trauma inflicted upon them as children. This marked the first attempt at shifting the societal narrative of hysterical women as “abnormal”, only for Freud to quickly backtrack to save his career.
So how does Freud’s rejection of hysterical women relate to autistics, the intellectually disabled, and members of the LGBTQI community in the context of ABA and conversation therapy? All parties have been, and continue to be shamed, for not being “normal”. With shame, comes fears of rejection, anxiety, guilt, despair, loneliness, and overwhelming sadness. Over time, this poison prevents people from meeting their needs in an endless loop of “shoulds” and “musts”. Essentially, existence becomes frozen in time without direction.
Case Example and Lived Experience
Last year, I worked with Howard, a young autistic man in his 20’s. At home, Howard served as his mother, Tina’s, therapist as she faced numerous marital, emotional, and relational challenges. For Howard, unreservedly serving Tina, and others became how he was expected to live in the world. Thus began Howard’s shame-filled existence, where he never felt good enough.
At school, Howard faced bullying, social ostracism, and unsupportive teachers for being different, pursuing special interests, and shutting down in overwhelming environments. This translated into Howard feeling isolated, depressed, unwanted, and not developing supportive friendships.
Romantically, Howard struggled to connect with women during adolescence because of his “undesirable” attraction to men. Rather than embodying his homosexuality, Howard followed the familial, societal, systemic, and institutional demands to date women. For Howard, his attraction to men could only be held at bay for so long, which finally he addressed during college.
Like Howard, I was also bullied, ostracized, shamed, and pushed away in the social, academic, and romantic domains of life. Socially, I did not feel safe, accepted, and wanted by people, which I adapted to by pushing them away, becoming reactive/hyper-intellectual, and not expressing my feelings. Academically, such challenges and a learning disability caused me to struggle and work brutally hard to achieve high grades. With endless work and no breaks, I felt increasingly alone, anxious, scared, exhausted, and angry at the world. So, I shut down and worked even harder to avoid drowning in school, with the faint hope of having a career.
Romantically, I was adrift, unprepared, frightened, anxious, and angry about not being able to connect with women. I felt like a loser hopelessly searching for love, connection, safety, and acceptance. So, I tried connecting with numerous women, which while mostly unsuccessful, helped me develop the awareness to start healing and reparenting myself by entering psychotherapy.
Liberate Thyself and Live
Psychotherapy, really healing work, is the antithesis of ABA, conversion therapy, and other programmatic ways of being. Healing work is about liberating yourself from who you have been told to be. Fundamental to liberation is authentic relating built on intentionality and trust, both of which serve as a gateway to love, the universe, and oneness of all things. With liberation comes movement from stagnation into excitement and fluidity. Here, your old self dies as you groove to your innate rhythm. Freedom is felt, touched, and finally lived. All that is left for you is now.
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